The movie Mean Girls just turned ten years this week so I decided to watch it this evening in honor of its anniversary and because my assignment was going nowhere. Strongly defined cliques didn’t seem to exist in my high school … Continue reading
Not knowing what’s ahead is painful and heartbreaking, especially when you have a passion burning in your soul.
So many questions and no answers; it makes you wonder where this ache in your soul stems from.
Is it a self-imposed burden resulting from being an overachiever or is it a call from a Being who’s so much greater?
The “hows” and “whens” never fail to pop up every now and then, even after an agreement to surrender to His bidding. It’s overwhelming and perplexing and seemingly impossible. But then again, He reminds you that it’s beyond you just so you can see His grace come alive. In that moment you remember how you prayed for a life of adventure where you agreed to have no say in what would happen except that you would follow His leading. It’s painful but beautifully messy when you think of the situations you’ve been through, especially the ones that hurt the most, where you see His fingerprints on every single one of them and you’re reminded that He knows exactly what He’s doing.
You never prayed for a life riddled with mess and pain
but they often create the most beautiful stories.
—
I embrace each day with hope and joy,
regardless of the uncertainty and challenges because I know I’ll get to tell Him my stories someday and He’ll tell me what they mean.
It’s almost 3am and I’m wide awake–probably because I took a nap earlier this evening or maybe it’s the extra dark chocolate I had when I woke up from my nap. Whatever it is, being sleepless at this hour never fails to make me think about my existence and related topics. I write when I feel nostalgic so that explains this post.
I was just listening to an old playlist that I put together when I was working on my undergrad thesis and a flood of memories and feelings just came my way. It reminded me of where I was four years ago and how far I’ve come since. I never imagined then that I’d be where I am today.
Thinking about all these things gives me butterflies in my tummy coz it made me see how God has worked through all the events that have transpired in the last few years and how He’s answered my prayers in ways I never imagined.
It’s actually funny how we (or maybe it’s just me) pray for certain things in life and never really think through the entire meaning or possible scenarios that could result from it. When I completed my undergraduate studies, I remember asking God to bless the path I would be taking. I had my own plans but I specifically remember telling God that whatever happens, I want my life to be an adventure–one led by Him. And it was around that period when I came up with my life’s slogan “going where there is no path, hoping to leave a trail”–basically a paraphrase of a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. When I told God I wanted a life of adventure, I only though of the interesting places He would lead me and the different people I would meet. I also thought that it would be so much fun to do things differently and inspire others to do the same. What I didn’t think about was the fact that living a life of adventure required me to put all my trust in God coz only He knew where He was taking me. I didn’t foresee the months of agony and feeling stuck because there was nothing promising in the horizon. Nor did I know that doing things differently meant that people would think you were crazy to waste your time chasing something too huge to catch.
A little more than three years after whispering that prayer, I sit in my bed recollecting the events, good and bad, that have transpired ever since and I am amazed at how situations beyond my control have brought me where I am today. I like having plans in my life; it used to be very torturous when they went awry but I have learned to put my life in His hands. I have no idea what I’ll be doing after my two years in Canberra. It seems like I’m a vagabond who has a maximum staying period of two years in every place I go but it’s so exciting to anticipate where and how God is going to open the next door. And it’s always a wonderful experience to sit in a quiet place after a few months/years and have my mind blown by the way God orchestrates events in my life. Receiving a neat life itinerary from God would be nice but it’s so much more exciting to not know and just walk hand-in-hand with Him in this journey coz I know He’s going to keep me company every step of the way.
For some unknown reason, I thought twice about going to church this afternoon. I was rationalising how hazardous it would be to make the trip to church due to the insane amount of haze that has been saturating Singapore’s atmosphere. I didn’t really understand why there was such a struggle within me until the special speaker shared his story and message—I was really glad I came. He shared that God places passions in our hearts not to mock us but to point us in the path God wants for us and it’s in our hands to take the risk to go in the direction of those dreams. He also talked about how God leads us in paths that don’t really look like the ones we had in mind but if we just follow His leading, we will come to see that where God has brought us is beyond what we could have ever dreamed of.
Looking back at the last two years, I am amazed at all that God has brought me through. I came in pursuit of a passion that was and is still burning strongly in my heart. I gave up a lot of things just to chase the dream and made plans that I thought would work but I kept hitting roadblocks. In retrospect, I now see that the circumstances I thought were roadblocks look more like stepping stones. A year back, I would have never seen myself leaving for Australia to pursue a masters in biotechnology. It seems like a detour from my planned route but everything just fell perfectly into place; assuring me that, at this very moment, this is where God wants me to go. I don’t really know what’s up ahead but I trust Him.
The dream is still very much alive and burning brighter than ever; it’s tormenting to see how far I am from reaching it but it’s the very thing that gets me excited to face each day, knowing that God has placed me on an adventure where I have to hold tightly to Him and just keep following where He leads.
A thought has been bugging me ever since I had this conversation with a certain teenager this week and I can’t really explain how I feel about it ever since it had been floating around in my mind so I figured writing about it would help me sort out my thoughts.
I was talking to this teenager together with a fellow youth leader and we somehow ended up chatting about his love life. He told us about this girl that he likes and that they’re currently in a relationship. I figured it’s pretty common for teens their age to have relationships and I didn’t really know what else to ask or add so I just did what I do best–I kept quiet and continued listening. To my surprise, my fellow youth leader asked him whether he has talked with the girl about their future together and to my even greater surprise, he said that he has. Thereafter, I started talking and asking questions; I wanted to know how and why he could be so sure about things. I got some sketchy answers in return; I didn’t expect him to have all the answers at such a young age anyway.
I came out of that conversation as though I revisited my fifteen-year-old self. It reminded me of how strong-headed I used to be about my plans, how I used to think that I had it all figured out and that nothing would ever go wrong. It made me realise how much a person can change in a matter of eight years. I used to talk about my plans in a matter-of-fact kind of manner but I’ve experienced how volatile situations can be and if you ask me about my plans for even just the next few months, I don’t think I’ll be able to tell you about them without having a nagging sense of uncertainty at the back of my mind.
Another thing I realised after talking to this youth was the fact that dreaming is not altogether a bad thing. Having hopes and aspirations is a beautiful thing humans ought to possess in order to keep moving forward but we often stifle our dreams in exchange for the comfort and ease of familiarity to guard ourselves from disappointments. It’s easy to be full of hope when you’re in your early teens and the disappointments you’ve experienced are relatively minor but it takes a lot of courage for anyone who has sustained blows of disappointments and discouragement to move forward and still believe in the beauty of life.
I guess I now know why nostalgia hits people; it reminds us of the yesteryears wherein the world, as we knew it, was much kinder and more forgiving that the one we live in today. Like the teen I talked to, I still have hopes and dreams for my life but what he has that I now lack is freedom–freedom to dream without self-doubt It’s probably why C.S. Lewis said “Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” We go from seeing the world through rose-colored glasses to being skeptical about every single thing that happens to us because of all the set-backs we face but it takes a chock-full of courage to free ourselves to start believing that amidst the evil in this world, goodness still abounds.
I miss being carefree and unguarded but it’s part of growing up and it’s called gaining wisdom. However, the conversation with that teen made me see that I need freedom from second-guessing myself all the time and start believing again that a happily-ever-after is yet to come.
After the warm, cozy feeling that Christmas brings, there’s always that sense of anticipation as the new year approaches and it inevitably begs the need for retrospection on the year that is about to pass.
I entered 2012 full of high hopes and expectations but looking back on all those plans I had in mind, I realized that absolutely none of them came to pass and nothing ever went the way I hoped it would. This year taught me a lot; it taught me patience, trust, and a willingness to accept changes in a big way. And although I didn’t get to see my plans materialize the way I wanted them to, I look back at all the doors God opened for me in 2012 and I am left in awe, realizing that everything was orchestrated at a level beyond my comprehension, and it showed me that God has even better plans for my life.
Now I’m faced with a new year that carries huge changes with it and I have no idea what surprises God has in store for me in 2013 but just thinking about the fact that God has been doing things in my life on a plane that’s beyond what our mortal minds can conceive is making me giddy with excitement so all I can say is: bring it on, 2013!!
It’s been about a year since I’ve decided to actively chase you–never have I been this passionate about anything in my life. I dream of you, and when I’m awake, you occupy my thoughts. Looking back at all the choices I’ve made for the sake of inching towards you is mind-blowing. You drove me to become someone I never imagined I could ever be. You gave me something to look forward to; a sense of purpose that I’m living for something greater than just myself.
To want something this much is crazy and I’ve only seen this insanity in a few people but I know it when I see it. It’s the kind that consumes from the inside because in my mind and in the minds of people who think like me, we know that we were born to do nothing but this and we would drop the world and everything we hold dear just to make our dreams a reality. To say that this is love is an understatement–it’s a fire in our souls that keeps us warm and comforted when reality is harsh and cold. Ironically, it’s also that small, unrelenting itch in our beings that keeps us restless when things begin to seem comfortable.
You’ve grown from a being merely a young girl’s dream to become a young woman’s passion. To say that I’m now open to the idea that I might never have you used to be unthinkable–almost like stripping myself of all that I have because I have dropped everything to run after you. You are like that bottle of spikenard Mary broke at the feet of Jesus–the one thing on earth that meant so much; everything I wrapped my life around. Letting go of you feels like walking off the only trail left in the forest that I put my hopes on to lead me out and walking into the thick of it to get lost even more. Strangely enough, feeling more lost isn’t scaring me because there’s peace inside me, telling that it’ll be alright.
I might get to you and maybe I might not–only God knows but I rest my case because I’m assured that if you’re meant for me, He will give you to me. I don’t want to lose the fire in my eyes but I’m getting rid of the heaviness that’s wearing down my soul. You’re still something I’m looking forward to but if our paths don’t meet eventually, I have faith that God knows better.
When I was a freshman, I had my mind set on conquering college with flying colors. I told myself, “I’m not here to socialize, or even make friends; I’m here to learn and be the best that I can be.” I was bent on keeping that mindset until I graduated. For the first three years of my college life, I was distant from my classmates; thinking that I didn’t need friends to make it through college. I succeeded in my mission until I reached a point in my life during this last year of college that I realized how important it is to have friends. I’m thankful that despite the aloofness I’ve shown them throughout the past three years, they extended genuine friendship to me; a friendship I’ve only given to very few people.
Looking back at my almost-concluded college life at XU, I’m thankful that I’ve met such amazing people. They aren’t the kind that you’d meet on the street everyday; they’re freakishly intelligent that even their jokes require the ordinary person a few moments of thought before getting the idea. Spending time with them has taught me a lot about life and changed the way I view individuals who are normally negatively stereotyped by most people. It made me realize that everyone is different in their own way, which is what makes us who we are. Being with them is like home; they accept me for who I am– my nerdiness and everything else that comes with it. With them, I find a sense of belonging and whenever we come together to talk, you won’t find that awkward silence you get when you’re trying to come up with something interesting to say because pretty much all of us are of the same frequency and we get each others’ thoughts.
I have a few regrets as I graduate, one of them being my inability to graduate with honors, but I would like to leave XU knowing that I did not merely attain a college education here, but rather, that I had a college life. One that I owe mostly to this group known as the Bio People or, as we fondly call ourselves, the Badgers. 🙂
*We won’t say “good-bye” because friendships never end, we’re just going to say “see you around” because we won’t get to see each other as often as we would want to. And yes, I will miss them terribly. 😐
**Badgers, I know life will take us places and some of us might probably never see each other again after graduation but there’s this place I know that lies beyond the limits of scientific “fathomability”; it’s called Heaven. I want to see all of you there someday because it’s a place that knows no good-byes, pain, or tears (like the ones rolling down my cheeks as I type these lines); everything there is beautiful and it’ll last forever. 🙂
I love you, Badgers!! ❤
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I cannot help but read all the posts on Facebook and Tumblr that pertain to love, and everything and anything that deals with it. However, at this point in time, love, the romantic kind, that is, is the last thing on my mind. Every post I read about love being a choice and a commitment makes me think about my thesis and how making one is a lot like loving someone; allow me to explain.
Just like love, it starts from a spark of interest; you like your topic, that’s why you chose it. It’s a lot like infatuation where you have all these dreams and awesome ideas in your head about how your thesis is going to be. You set goals, however far-fetched, and you think that nothing will go wrong with regards to the choice of topic you made.
As you progress with your work, you make concrete plans and sometimes, you face roadblocks. A lot like love, it is at these moments that you decide whether you want to go on or simply give up and try out other possibilities.
There are then times when your topic sort of bores you and you feel that other topics are more appealing but you tell yourself that you’ve chosen this particular one, so you should just stick with it. It’s not considered settling; it’s perseverance. Even when you face dead ends and you feel hopeless; if you “love” your thesis, you will try to work things out and find solutions so you can move forward and make progress.
Then the hardest of times come and you simply feel like giving up more than ever (a lot like how I’m feeling now) but the glimmer of hope that everything will turn out fine in the end keeps you going. Just like being in a relationship, you make the tough decision of sticking with whom you’ve chosen and committing to finish what you’ve started. It is make-or-break moments like these that strengthen your love for your “beloved” thesis topic. It sounds so cliché but it is at these times when you feel like giving up that you ask yourself why you’ve held on for so long and it is that silver lining of being able to graduate and a sense of accomplishment that lies beyond the clouds of despair and discouragement that pushes you to press on and give it every molecule of ATP in your body so you can finally hold in your hands the culmination of everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Remember that love is indeed a commitment that you should never take lightly; be it towards God, your parents, your friends, or even things (i.e. thesis) you have a love-hate relationship with. From this point, I verge from the topic of love back to thesis-making; it is hard but I know that we should just keep breathing, hang on tighter for just a little while more, and trust God to strengthen us as we brace through sleepless nights; and He will make all things beautiful in the end.
🙂
Life untangled. 